Surviving

When tragedy struck my life I didn’t know which way to turn.  I was angry with God, even though this was a devilish act.  You really have to dig deep within yourself to try to find some power.  My oh my how easy it is to succumb to your heartache and pain.  It’s a daily struggle.  I know that all parents who have lost their child to violence have experienced what I’m speaking on.  We don’t want to be labeled as victims and powerless, our children would not want that.  That saying “only the strong survive” is a bold statement.  I say that because the weak survive too.  I’m still weak in my pain regarding my son.  But I’m surviving through it with my faith.  I still worry about my son.  I pray for him everyday, I pray that his young soul is resting peacefully!!  I pray that his murderer get life with no parole. I appreciate this forum to be able to vent, speak about my frustrations and heartache, even if only one person read this, at least I’ve connected to someone.  When I’m out and about, people don’t know my story, my struggle, my hurt, etc.  I walk with my head held high and I smile because I have to, you know what I’m saying!  I met my cousin neighbor last and as we were talking she told me that she lost her son to violence 14 years ago and it still feels like 14 minutes ago to her.  We talked for a good while and it was good for my soul.  With that said, I have a very long journey and a long road to recovery….but only the strong and weak survive right!!!  Thanks for reading!!!  I love you D’Lonte!!!!❤️❤️

Reflecting

In a couple of weeks it will be one year that I have been without my son.  I’m sitting thinking about him now.  I don’t know what this year would have bought him had he not been taken away, but whatever it would have been I would have enjoyed every moment.  I still can’t think of him in past tense, he is still front and center in my life.  I can’t remove him from my health insurance, my life insurance, I can’t remove him from anything, I just can’t do it.  When you lose a child, you lose hope, faith, yourself, your sanity, a want to still be a mother to your child, well you get my drift.  I’m still a work in progress to stay afloat.  I miss him, I yearn for him, I love him, I live for him.  As I reflect, this has been the toughest year of my entire life, I lost my first love.  My son don’t know this but he taught me how to love unconditionally, he made me strive to be a good person, a good mother, a good provider.  This past year, I’ve lost out on more lessons he could have taught me.  He would be turning 25 years old on his upcoming birthday.  I often wonder how he wold have matured more, how he would look, what goals he would have achieved, etc.  I received a piece of mail for him the other day and it broke me down, my feelings was hurt, damn my son can’t even open his own mail anymore.  I still don’t know why this happened, no understanding whatsoever, I guess I never will and that’s hard to accept.  My heart is still heavy.  God had the upper-hand on this one, he didn’t even ask my permission.  Yes, I still question God.  I’m shaking right now.  It’s simple, I love and miss my boy!!!

imageSon as I sit here and think about all the wonderful memories of you, it brings me great joy to be your Mother. As I visited you today, a yellow butterfly kept flying around me, it would fly off and return, it did that 3 times. I think it was a message. Right now you remind me of a Beautiful Butterfly. Butterflies represent Resurrection, Transition, Celebration, Time, and Soul. Here is my breakdown of what that means to me regarding you: I believe the Resurrection of your Soul will always be with me, our family and friends. I know your Spirit is alive and watching over us. I know your Spirit is beautiful and shining brighter than the stars. I know your Transition into Heaven was easy and God welcomed you with open arms. My transition is tough, but knowing you are safe now makes me feel a tad bit better. Yes, I’d rather have you here in the flesh, but God had a bigger plan. In Time I will be able to Celebrate your life better, right now it’s tough because your Mother wants you here. Butterflies have many phases of life, as well as that miraculous Transition. I will keep the faith as we both go through our Transitions. I love and miss you tremendously.

Nine Months

So today marks a whole 9 months, son that’s how long I carried you!!! I waited that long to meet you and now you are gone! I love you infinity and miss you immensely!!! This 9 months has been the longest month of my entire 40 years. I tell you what, you were the best son ever, like I said before you was not perfect but you were my perfect and only son…my first born!!! Nobody can take away my love for you. Your handsome face, beautiful eyes and smile. God made a masterpiece, your father and I can’t take all the credit!!! People don’t know what kind of soul you had and I truly miss that!!!! How reserved, calm, honest and loyal you were. Your funny, silly and querky personality is missed! I release tears often when I think of you and the wonderful future you would have had!! I still worry about you!!! Got dammit 9 months seem like eternity without you! Forever in my heart, mind and soul. Son I can’t wait to see you again, tears are falling as I write this. I love you!

Scared

My heartache and pain scares sometimes! I’m working on it. I still worry about my son and that scares my heart the most. I miss him immensely!!! I pray he is resting peacefully. My children are my greatest accomplishments and to not have him physically scares me tremendously. It worries me that he no longer have a future to look forward to. It scares me that my best son on the planet isn’t here with me anymore, it’s breaks my heart! This tragedy scares me and I have to live with it until I see him in heaven!

The Court Day!

Today is the first day I tuned into the Trayvon Martin case. Didnt know if I would be able to handle it. I will be going through this process soon myself and I know how his mother is feeling right now. I pray for her heart and I pray for her family because I know this is the toughest thing she has had to endure. When your child is murdered you just want a conviction PERIOD!!! I feel for her as she has to sit there and hear all of this. I pray I have the same strength when my turn in court comes!!!

Just Thinking!

This past year, my life has been thrown some major curbballs!!! I can’t lie a part of me died when my son was taken from me. I’m not sure if I can ever get that back, not sure I want to. I am thankful that God allowed me to be D’Lonte’s mother. My son help mold me into the women that I am today. I’m thankful that God allows me to continue to have a life-line because some days I feel like I’ve flat-lined!!! I remember hearing his heartbeat for the first time, it was strong and the Dr. told me that it was a boy. My son is the first person that heard my heartbeat from inside my womb. We have an unshakeable and unbreakable bond!!! I continue to pray hard and hold onto my sanity. I love and miss my son dearly!!!!

8 months

Today makes 8 months without my son. This is the hardest most toughest thing I’ve ever had to endure in my entire life. I appreciate everyone who cares for me and is concerned about me and my family well being. Continue to pray for me as I go through this hard journey. This weighs so heavy on my heart, sometimes it’s unbearable. But, I have faith that I will be ok. I’m still learning how to adapt. I miss my son face, voice, laugh, touch, conversations, but most of all I just miss him! Love D’Lonte’s Mom

My Dream

My son you visited me in my dreams for the first time, I felt warmth, happiness, relief and overjoyed.  You are welcomed to visit me anytime you want son.  I enjoyed talking to you, I woke up with a smile.  Boy oh boy I miss our conversations, I miss everything about you son, I really do!!!!!  You make sure you stay close to me at all times, I need that.  I love you infinity!