It’s been six months without my son, half a year. The reality of him gone is really starting to get to me. At times I feel very lost. I’m still confused. I’m still hurting. I’m still heartbroken. I miss him tremendously. I want him to walk thru the door and say Ma I’m back. I’m still seeking counseling. I’m not sure what phase of my grieving I’m experiencing but I’m still learning how to adapt, it is not easy.
I know you are not suppose to question God, but why did he bless my life with this fella only to take him away so quickly? Why? No understanding, whatsoever!
You know that dash between D.O.B – D.O.D, well my son dash should have been much longer, his dash should have been here for 100 years. 23 years was not enough time. But, his dash was amazing, no not peaches and cream but amazing to me, family and friends. His soul was laid back, observant, honest, rare, raw, loyal, funny, silly, compassionate, etc. he was beautiful inside and out. Yes, he went through his growing pains, but that helped build his character that we all loved.
I miss my moments with my son, my time with my son, I miss my life with my son! I still don’t comprehend his death, it’s overwhelming to my soul. My life is so different! Why was our time cut short? I don’t understand it. I’m still in shock, and I desperately need The Lord to revive me. I’m suffering. My heart needs mending. I’m still confused. I need my son. I’m still very angry! From the day he entered my world, I never thought I would bury him. My soul ache. My heart hurt, my eyes cry uncontrollable tears. I miss him calling me Ma Dukes and him calling his sister J.R. I miss my visits and phone calls. I miss my hugs and kisses. I miss his voice. I miss everything about him. This is still weird. Simply put, I miss my life before that October day. Life as I knew it. This is an open wound that will never heal. The essence of my son was beautiful!!! I hate thinking of him in past tense.
My first real love, my only son. I think of you daily, I so wish you were here, I have so many things to say to you. My heart yearns to see your face and hear your voice. I’m still your mother and I can’t let you go. I had a really bad moment last night. You never liked to see me sad, but I can’t help it. Why did this happen? I’m still confused and lost on that, I truly have no idea. This was so out of left field. My whole life has changed, this is weird. I’m still seeking therapy, it helps. My pain is still the same, it’s been five months now. Trial will begin soon, and I will have to relive this nightmare. But, I will be front and center in the courtroom. I will continue to fight for you son, always!!
I haven’t blogged in a while on purpose. I’m in therapy and I’m learning to live this different life without my son physically being here. I’m fighting a battle that I’m not sure I can win. The battle is my heartache. Can I really win? I’m going to try because I’m a survivor!! My son didn’t believe in losing!
Today is bittersweet because I’ve been praying, hoping, crying, demanding that the day would come when the monster has been captured and charged. I put it in God’s hands. Now that I received the wonderful news, my heart almost jumped out of my body. I could not stop crying, but it was a happy cry. I’m elated. But, for how long? The storm is about to start all over again. I know he will plead “not guilty”, but I know God have this! Justice will prevail, I have faith! I LOVE MY SON, I CAN’T GIVE UP!!! WE WILL WIN SON!
My heart and prayers goes out to all the parents that have lost their children this past week in my area. It’s so heartbreaking to hear about a 15 year old being murdered over a pair of shoes. So a life is worth a pair of shoes? No, absolutely not. Where are the morals and value of life? I am so confused. When have a life meant less than? I know my son life was worthy!!! And, these young men lives was worthy, these murders are senseless!!! Now as parents we have to pick up the pieces!!! Enough is enough!!
You will have happy days. God will turn your darkness around. He will give you beauty for ashes, joy for mourning.